Oh me, oh my

karnythia:

So, I’m going to say this about this whole spanking/abuse debate running across my dash. A. There is a difference between corporal punishment & abuse. I’ve experienced both. Only one scarred me emotionally. B. Very often, POC parenting traditions are heavily influenced by the impact racism has had on that community. Parents of a certain age with experience raising black sons will tell you in a minute about the wild boys they knew that died for their lack of home training/life skills in the face of racism. Same thing for parents raising girls of color. Especially girls who developed early. Is it right or fair or whatever you’re about to say? Maybe, maybe not. But it is realistic.

I’m a spanker, as is my husband. It’s not the punishment of first resort, it’s the punishment of last resort after lectures & loss of privileges & calisthenics, & frankly it requires repeated offenses of the same nature to actually occur. My sons can tell you the rules, what the repercussions are for breaking those rules, as well as how they know when they’ve gone too far. They average 3-4 spankings a year depending on their developmental stage & I’m noticing my 12 year old is starting to stop just short of getting a spanking more & more often. The 5 year old is at the point where it being mentioned is enough to stop him, but then they’re two very different kids.

Do I like spanking them? No. Do I leave marks, break skin, make them strip, or use whatever household items comes to hand? Again no. Those are the rules in our house. We don’t spank in anger, we don’t spank first, but if you refuse to follow the rules then eventually the consequences will be physically painful. I see a whole lot of people talking about what kids are being taught as though there is only one way & parents who use corporal punishment don’t talk to their kids about what is happening and why. Look, I’m all in to talk about abuse & violence, but this conversation isn’t one with a one size fits all problem, or solution. Parenting is hard damned work on the best day & it bothers me to see this rush to insist that everyone knows what’s best for kids but their parents.

And yes, some parents really do suck and some kids are in really dangerous unhealthy environments. But that’s not true of all kids. Kids learn what they’re taught by actions and words though, so instead of assuming that they only learn from the moment they got spanked & not from the conversations that preceded the spanking, or the ones that followed it seems incredibly short sighted to me. We’ve all got childhood baggage & some of that is down to shit our parents did wrong, but they’re carrying their own shit around that isn’t resolved either. And that’s before you get into the societal pressures influencing all of us. I don’t claim to have the answers & maybe my kids will resent their quarterly spankings when they’re grown. Or maybe they’ll think it was no big deal. We’ll see.

via tsotchke 3 months ago link 61 notes